I bought a car battery and it was a bit of a shit show

Kinja'd!!! "Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo" (akioohtori)
06/08/2020 at 12:57 • Filed to: Project Dumpster Fire

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Yeah I don’t think that is going to work...

I’d mentioned previously that the “new” battery for the Saab didn’t really fit well, and that is very true. The weekend I figured I’d hit up PepBoys (who are my default car battery place for some reason) for a new one and just keep the “old” one as like... a backup.

Or, more likely, just sell it on Craigslist.

Note: This started as a story about souring an unusually sized battery during a pandemic, but ended as just being a ramble about my Sunday.

Well I get on their website and they say they have zero batteries for me. This doesn’t immediately dissuade me, so I use the Walmart battery finder to determine I’m looking for a Size 26 battery, then google that.

Hey PepBoys has one!

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Wait... why can’t I select a quantity?

Crap.

Ok I’ll call them and see if they’ve got one in.

No... all the options on the IVR menu lead back to the main menu. I guess picking up the phone during a pandemic is... bad? IDK, maybe their shit was just broken.

Well damn.

A little more searching reveals that unless I want to go to one of the “big four” auto parts stores and pay $150+, I’m going to have to go grab the bottom-of-the-line Walmart battery for $55.

Nice thing about Walmart is they have a side-door automotive entrance, so I can sneak in, grab the battery, pay in automotive, and sneak out!

Yeah... that sneaking thing didn’t happen.

After making my way to the automotive entrance, past the, now closed, COVID-19 testing trailers, I find it locked. Turns out they’ve closed the automotive services area entirely due to COVID.

Well shit. There goes my grand plan to be safe and minimize contact.

I re-park near(ish) the main entrance, put on my mask, and enter the depths of hell.

Ok I’m being dramatic. It really wasn’t that bad. Little bit of a traffic jam on the way in as the guy in front of me seemed flummoxed by how carts work, but otherwise I made it in quickly and made a bee line for-

Well while I’m here I might as well see if they have any plants....

See usually by this time of year I’ve been to at least one garden show thingy and 5-6 nurseries to build out my planters and such. That didn’t really happen this year. Last Monday I went out with a friend to stock up and found that apparently I was the only person in the world not wanting to go plant shopping during a pandemic. Furthermore, I guess because everyone is spending more time at home, we found the shelves pretty bare.

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The scene at my local Ace. At least they had hand sanitizer!

We picked over the leftovers and got a decent number, but I was still lacking some staples.

To my surprise I found Walmart’s plant section to be exceptionally well stocked. Maybe because with the garden entrance closed it is really hard to get to?

No matter, I picked up a smattering of plants then made a bee line to Automotive.

As a social distancing thing Walmart had implemented a one-way system for shopping, which was cool. However, it seemed the only real effect of it was to make people my me angry when everyone else failed to follow the one-way system.

So not sure what the point of it is.

I will say mask usage was a little higher than expected, so that is good anyway.

After a short walk, I found the battery and was away.

Checkout was easy, a shock given past experiences with Walmart, and soon enough I was back in the safety of the parking lot loading my battery and plant haul into the Jag.

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Then I got hit up by a panhandler.

Gotta give the guy good marks. Concise story to pull at the heart strings, no extraneous details, and a clear, if ambitious, monetary goal ($6) to extract from me.

There is a special shame in saying “Sorry no cash” while loading up a (heavily depreciated) luxury car. I think Doug Demuro had a thing about it in one of his books. Basically a lot of people don’t see a $5,000 beater, they see a car that new cost like $90,000 in today’s money so... clearly you could spare the $6 for drugs a hotel room.

But, in the end I went with the “sorry, no cash” route. Partly because I don’t give to panhandlers and partly because I knew my wallet was bulging with cash because I haven’t been using it at all and that would be even more awkward for me.

He moved on and I took the long way home, enjoying the rumble of the V8, whine of the supercharger, and puft puft puft of my exhaust leak.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Dog B being a weirdo, for your time.

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DISCUSSION (16)


Kinja'd!!! CalzoneGolem > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 13:05

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How does the exhaust not melt that b attery?


Kinja'd!!! This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > CalzoneGolem
06/08/2020 at 13:09

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That’s why he was battery shopping. ;)


Kinja'd!!! Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > CalzoneGolem
06/08/2020 at 13:09

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An excellent question.

I just melts it.

Nah, stock there is a large heat shield that attaches there and holds the battery down.  Mine went AWOL and they’re kinda hard to find, so I’ve just been wrapping the battery in heat tape and hoping for the best.


Kinja'd!!! CalzoneGolem > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 13:12

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T hat makes me feel anxious and I don’t even ow n this car.


Kinja'd!!! CalzoneGolem > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja:
06/08/2020 at 13:12

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Fair enough.


Kinja'd!!! Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > CalzoneGolem
06/08/2020 at 13:14

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If it makes you feel any better that is actually the turbo on the other side of that flange and they aren’t really known for getting hot.

Oh wait the opposite of that.

But the car never really runs long enough for it to be a problem anyway....


Kinja'd!!! Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 13:15

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I recently almost bailed on buying this guy dinner (not homeless, but hungry and supposedly just got out of jail ) because he kept trying to order way too much food for what I was offering. It was a standard story but he was getting real pushy about it and wouldn’t admit he wouldn’t pay me back. Panhandlers always take me for a pushover but find that I will not under any circumstances give out food, though I don’t mind talking about it till the cows come home. Sometimes they get real mad and other times they’re just happy someone doesn’t treat them like they have the plague (possible now, sadly). He also offered me a joint in exchange, and then proceeded to deny he said anything. The least self assured panhandler I’ve ever met. 

I would think someone driving a fully depreciated luxury is the last person who would give me money, but I guess not everyone sees that. Being a baller on a budget doesn’t leave room for charity in most cases.


Kinja'd!!! HammerheadFistpunch > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 13:19

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Im also having battery troubles. East Penn usually makes amazing batteries so I buy them (used to be Oreillys batteries, now Duracell) but I put one in a year ago and it did this to the GX.

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I took it back to get a replacement and the replacement battery looked like this after I charged it

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Leaking out of the top cap...again. Like hell I’m putting this back in my car. Plus there is this lovely little snafu

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Not just the shipping damage, but the fact that this is a 27f “Golf Car” battery.  I looked on duracells website...it doesn’t exist.  The HP27f is an automotive battery. So...what the hell?


Kinja'd!!! Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > HammerheadFistpunch
06/08/2020 at 13:31

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Oh wow that is... a lot.


Kinja'd!!! HammerheadFistpunch > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 13:32

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it stripped a LOT of paint. I’ve got it all deactivated, stripped and coved in fluid film which will help for now.


Kinja'd!!! user314 > HammerheadFistpunch
06/08/2020 at 14:52

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Oh, I’d be complaining to Duracell and wherever you bought it from , that is decidedly sketchy. Couple five years ago I bought a couple GE Reveal floods for a ceiling light at a local supermarket, took them home and found that they were just regular floods painted blue. After I got done ripping Giant Eagle a new one I emailed GE too, and they were very concerned that someone was selling knock-offs in their packaging. Got my money back from Giant, two genuine bulbs from GE, and a gift card as well. 


Kinja'd!!! HammerheadFistpunch > user314
06/08/2020 at 14:57

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I’ve sent them emails, but no reply.  Except one in german saying they got my email.


Kinja'd!!! user314 > HammerheadFistpunch
06/08/2020 at 15:05

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Well that’s not encouraging...


Kinja'd!!! HammerheadFistpunch > user314
06/08/2020 at 15:07

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Just called the 887 number and they response was - “ yeah Id take it back to them.”

Well duh.  But they are only a contract company so they don’t give a crap whether the product is good or not or even fake.


Kinja'd!!! 404 - User No Longer Available > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 22:54

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I’m due for a battery for my Solstice. Went flat once last summer, and sometimes the steering wheel controls act funny.

If only I can see my friend and ask him to get a Costco battery for me... looks like I might have to go Walmart again.


Kinja'd!!! Danny Korecki > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo
06/08/2020 at 23:46

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Few months ago I had to replace the start/stop aux battery in the wifes Hybrid Subaru.

Apparently it is basically a Prius battery that can be replaced at a Batteries and Bulbs of all places.